"Breaking Through Betrayal and Recovering the Peace Within" (book review)

"Breaking Through Betrayal and Recovering the Peace Within"
Written by Holli Kenley
Published December 2009, 170 pages (paperback)
Read: May-June 2014

With professional experience in both academia and clinical therapeutic practice, Holli Kenley's approach to exploring "betrayal" at its core is a nice balance of creative and concise in "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within." She offers much food for thought as she invites readers (both clinicians wanting to understand the concept of betrayal on a deeper level as well as individuals personally struggling with betrayal)to ask and answer meaningful questions around the topic of betrayal.

Holli defines various kinds of betrayals one may experience, including the possibility of experiencing multiple betrayals that contribute to an entrenched degree of hurt and betrayal as a symptom of much deeper emotional wounds. I especially like how she points out similarities between physical, emotional, and psychological symptoms of betrayal and grief; this resonated with me. I especially liked the section where she explores the connection between one's internal and external spaces, "cleansing and cultivation" (ie, finding one's voice).

Holli gives helpful specific suggestions on creating a rehearsed plan for one's voice. As a therapist working with clients who have experienced severe trauma, I am a firm believer in setting boundaries, particularly with people in one's life that can trigger feelings of vulnerability and propensity towards being revictimized. By utilizing rehearsed statements of boundaries one wishes to set (ie, thinking about what and how one wants to say something if/when faced by the betrayer before it happens), one can reclaim one's voice in an empowering way. An example the author uses might be something like "We are done discussing what we need to. This conversation is over." Rehearsed cleansing also resonated with me, particularly replacing a triggering thought with a cleansing one. Some examples: "I am safe from him/her/it. I am free from further re-injury. I am strong." She also encourages one to visualize oneself in a safe and peaceful place.

As the book progresses, Holli uses "barometers" at the beginning of each chapter as a helpful tool for gauging where one is at. Although this did not personally resonate with me as I tend to gravitate toward more of a reflective/exploratory Socratic dialogue approach with just a bit of CBT interventions, this book is highly useful for people that are looking for a structured (ie, cognitive behavioral)approach. It is also a useful therapeutic reference guide to enhance the therapy process with its CBT oriented homework/journaling assignments for clients struggling with betrayal as a core presenting problem.

I must admit, I was a bit put off by religious undertones throughout the book until I came across a passage where she states "Many of the clients, whom I worked with, were people of faith. Some felt that their betrayal experience was also a betrayal of God." Within this context of client demographic, it made sense why she chose to tie in religious and spiritual aspects of experiencing and healing from betrayal.

Towards the end of the book, Holli nicely integrates the idea of being "defined" by betrayal vs. being "refined" by it. She encourages one to reflect and ask oneself meaningful questions to tease this out (or as she puts it, "to paint your canvas"). "How do you want to be known? What will your legacy be? Is it to be defined by your betrayal experience, or to be refined by it?"